22 one year ago

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Cat"a*clasm\ N. A breaking asunder; a violent disruption.

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Photography by Dustin Hollywood

Evaporating

In 2013 there was another reoccurring daydream I often had that will always really stick with me - I still think about it pretty often. In the dream, I would be standing in the middle of a vast expanse with my girlfriend at the time, while she stared into my eyes with this loving, peaceful gaze. The dream always started in such a nice way, but there would always be this heart-dropping moment where she would put her hand on my cheek and I would suddenly squint my eyes and realize that she was very slowly becoming transparent. As I watched in horror, little particles of her would start floating off into the wind, and her skin would seem to ripple. As she faded more and more, her eyes always grew wide and a bright white light would start to shine out of them. The hairs on the back of my neck stand on end just thinking about it now. In the dream, I always started grasping at her, trying to hold her with me, but my hands would just phase right through her body.

The thing is, all the while, there was always this look of transcendence and peace on her face. It gave me this very peculiar feeling - it wasn't just that she was being taken away from me, it was that she was... conceding to it. She was willingly going along with it; like she had caught a glimpse of something far beyond me and she was transcending - moving on to something much larger.

Regardless of the horror of the situation, as the last parts of her faded, I always felt a calm start to wash over me... this interesting mix of both sad resignation and peaceful understanding. The tranquility that comes from finally accepting loss. I knew she was going on to something so much better, and I was happy for her. That was the strangest part about it - the juxtaposition of such disparate feelings. The day I wrote this song, I woke up with that feeling thick on my mind, and I knew I had to get it out.

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